I And I...

Someone asked me to stop writing in-depth posts in favour of something more simple and about myself which I've failed to do most of the times.My argument on how extremely uninteresting I am didn't go down to well so I shall grant her,her wish just this once at least.It's very hard for me because whenever I look at myself in mirror,the only thing I see is well,me.I don't know how describe myself physically,I'm not sure of my state mentally and I'm barely existent spiritually.Which is why I get excited when I receive affirmation letters or play the ice breaking games which involves a piece of paper taped to your back and getting anyone and everyone around you to write something about you with the luxury of anonymity.It never fails to amuse and amaze me as to what people think of me and I guess that's what makes me who I am.I am whoever people sees me to be.It's ironic because here I am trying to make a statement and make a mark on the world by being someone I want to be.But then again,the final decision remains with me whether I actually accept what another person thinks of me.

As far as I know,this is what I think of myself.I am an introvert who is easy going.I am naturally very shy and refuse to talk to a group of strangers unless it's absolutely necessary for example,on my first day of school when we're supposed to introduce ourselves.I am quite an opportunist but because I am a pessimist,I end up not taking the opportunity because of my fear of failure or rejection.I think I have a decent sense of humour,by humour I don't mean laugh-out-loud jokes,they're more of pun,sarcasm,one-liners and absolute nonsense.I choke on words or find myself not able to come up with something to talk about whenever I get nervous and tense.So if anyone encounters awkward silences between conversations with me,it's considered very normal.My overused excuse is that I'm more of a listener which is not entirely untrue by the way.I'd like to think that I am quite an intelligent person when it comes to general knowledge and when I decide to actually put my brain to good use which is quite a rarity.I have a just-fail level of self-esteem and is easily intimidated by people.However,I'm as stubborn as a mule and will never do something against my own set of beliefs that's moulded by my family,religion,friends and conscience.I have the ability to survive living in my own world without my already depleted social circle and is most commonly found wandering aimlessly by myself.If I can have a superpower,I'd want to read people's minds.

I have a habit of looking down on people especially people whom I am not very close to.I can get very judgemental on their actions,or lack thereof and appearance.I believe that people who falters under peer pressure has no backbone and has very little self-respect.I am pretty tolerant of people unless they start pushing my buttons and cross the line by insulting or not respecting me,my actions or decisions.I tend to blame myself for sparking a whole set of reactions from an action which may not exactly be mine.And finally,as much as I think I'm pathetic or that I'm leading a very meaningless life,I wouldn't trade it for the world.By the way,I'm not at all suicidal or even contemplating it because I'm happy where I am now as much as it seems like I'm complaining about it half the time.Please don't take me as an egoistical son of a gun who talks to myself about myself since I'm the one whose vulnerability is at stake here.


I and I...


I've got a stage and a mic
Which I use to say things you won't like
But I spent years thinking I was alone
(Thinking I was alone)
Now I know, now I know, that I'm not, that I'm not
And I'm sharing that comfort with those
Who think that hope is lost

Oh and I'm so proud of where I am
I'm learning where the stand or to tread lightly

So hold back
Steadfast you've gotta breathe
And be content, just count to ten
Like all the experts say and if
The drugs don't seem to work
Then they've got a padded room for you
To get your just deserve

If I could chose my own name
I'd chose something that's bold and fits
Like anger, aggression, or cunningly brash
By the skin of my teeth but with timing and class

Oh woe is me (Oh woe is me)
Oh woe were us (Oh woe were us)
But not anymore we stand up for ourselves
We're like captains at war, we'll get followed to hell

Oh and I'm so proud of where I am
I'm learning where the stand or to tread lightly

So hold back
Steadfast you gotta breathe
And be content, just count to ten
Like all the experts say and if
The drugs don't seem to work
Then they've got a padded room for you
To get your just deserve

I and I, we're taking control of our lives
I and I, we're taking control of our lives
I and I, we're taking control of our lives
Everything's alright
I and I, we're taking control of our lives
I and I, we're taking control of our lives
I and I, we're taking control of our lives
Everything's alright

So hold back (So)
Steadfast you've gotta breathe
And be content, just count to ten
Like all the experts say and if
The drugs don't seem to work
Then they've got a padded room for you
To get your just deserve...


I And I by Bayside.

It's Far Better To Learn...

Tomorrow marks the start of the new term and I'm not excited one bit.Except for the gems module I'm taking which is Psychology and Counselling,nothing else seems to interest me.I'm hoping of course that the lecturers would change my perceptions about each modules.If that fails,then it's just good luck for me for the next half a year.As for now,I'm at Siglap's Starbucks again for the second week running.It's an ulhealthy habit but I guess I do deserve some kind of last minute relaxation.I'm really soaking in on whatever's left of the holiday but I must say that I truly enjoyed the past 2 months of break.Not just because I don't need to go to school or open a book,it feels as if I've achieved something during this period of time.Trust me,I don't think I even did anything much but somehow I'm just really satisfied as to how the holidays ended.I guess yesterday's event was the icing on the cake,the recording session at Tacit Aria's Irfan's house.It didn't quite matter that he stayed all the way at Yishun and that we spent the whole day just recording a song.After the successful recording,I feel triumphant after hearing the song fall into place.Now,the outcome of the song is in his hands,literally.He'll be very busy mixing and mastering the song to make it even more power packed.I feel like I owe these guys a lot for what they've done for us.And I truly respect them for being genuine.

I feel that I've learned alot throughout this 2 months of doing close to absolute nothing.About my friends.About people whom I though I knew.About myself.About my priorities in life.About dealing with setbacks.About being in a band.About love.About life itself.There are still plenty more to be learnt and there's no limit to knowledge,it's just a matter of what we take in and choose to believe in.Right now,I feel invincible.I feel like I'm at the top of the world.I feel more alive than ever before.I feel rejuvenated.I guess that's what holidays does to you,it keeps you refreshed and ready to go for another 6 months worth of battle with or without the proper firearm.Right now,I'm feeling very thankful for a lot of things.I'm feeling alot happier now than when the exams ended for some reason.I feel that I've owed my life to a lot of wonderful people.At times I might not be very confident of where I stand as a person amongst a group.But at least right now,as an individual,I know who I am and what I can offer.I know what my responsibilities are and where my priorities lie.There are still many unanswered question but time will tell just like it has done so many times before.


It's far better to learn...


You'd better learn that this will not blow over
And over
High above, they're taking over you
And you should know
I will not let you go
(Let you go)

What is my body worth?
Was there a price set before?
There's something greater there
What is my body worth?
Was there a price set before?
It's not gonna change you

We walk along
But never turn to see what we have done
(What we have done)
We choose our moves so carefully for you
(Carefully for you)
I will not let you go
(Let you go)

What is my body worth?
Was there a price set before?
There's something greater there
What is my body worth?
Was there a price set before?
It's not gonna change you
What is my body worth?
Was there a price set before?
It's not gonna change you

Why believe in nothing?
Why believe in nothing at all?
Why believe in nothing?
Why believe in nothing at all?

What is my body worth?
Was there a price set before?
There's something greater there
What is my body worth?
Was there a price set before?
It's not gonna change you
What is my body worth?
What is my body worth?


It's Far Better To Learn by Saosin.

Car Crash...

And I want to feel the car crash,just for the cheap little thrills of life...


I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
Cause I keep on falling down

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
Cause I'm dying on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

So push me til I have to fly
I've shed my skin, my scars
Take me deep out past the lights
Where nothing dims these stars
Nothing dims these stars, stars

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
Cause I'm dying on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

So right
It's all wrong

I'm wide awake and so alive

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
Cause I'm dying on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright


Car Crash by Matt Nathanson.

Coffee Break...

Today was one of those few days in which I made use of the holidays to do something productive.Ok maybe not exactly productive since all I did was sit and talk but it was meaningful nonetheless.Meeting up with Dawn made me think so much and it's quite rare for me to find someone whom I can speak to so comfortably and yet can share a non-violent heated debate.Not excluding our similarities in past mistakes and tragic stories of our very short,almost non-existant lives,or at least for me it is.Hopefully,we can patronise Raffles Place more regularly once school reopens for little catch ups,gossip talks and random rantings.

I think it's so awesome that we're both sort of writing our names into history.While she has got her short stories printed in books,I might possibly achieve the feat of getting our music into an EP(extended playlist,think pre-album) along with 2 other awesome bands Tacit Aria and Fire Away, Samson!.I don't think people actually read the credits of cds but if they do,they might possibly see my name printed.The thought of this collaboration is so exciting that I'm looking forward to all the jamming,recording,paperworks and whatever else that comes along with it no matter how tiring it may be.If everything goes well then we'll be ready by the middle of this year which is extremely rushed but I think it's good to work under pressure once in a while.We've been too dead for our own good so it's nice to have so many things to look forward to for once.Sure we may not all be rich and famous,or in the case of 17-year-old Federico Macheda,be Italian,good looking and scored 2 goals to save Manchester United from the deep fires of hell but hey,at least we're making progress.And like him,we're doing what we love doing and happiness is all that matters in this world.

I think it's also nice to know how much we showed that we've grown as a person.Maybe a year is too short a time to say but judging from our life stories,we've been through a lot.For me,I would say that if I have to relive every single second of my life,I would definitely do it all again.I wouldn't change a thing regardless of how much I regret doing something stupid or how I wish things could have turned out differently if I had done or said something differently.As much as I find myself having a very limited social circle and pretty much leading a no life kind of life,I wouldn't trade it for anything else.I like,no,I love my life the way it is.The best and most cliché excuse will be that everything in life happens for a reason no matter how insignificant.It could be good or bad,but regardless life goes on and seconds still turns to minutes.Nothing is going to change that.I'm not sure if there's always a greater good or a silver lining but maybe in years to come,I will find them out.


Until then,I'm two cups into my coffee breaks...


I'm two cups into my coffee break
I'm sitting alone in the café front way
Reading all by myself
I'm turning my cell off, just to breathe
Cause everyone I know just keeps calling me
And I just need a little time

Cause I've overcommitted myself
I guess this is growing up
I'm sleeping so little these days
I guess this is growing up
I'm feeling things are about to change
I'm guessing this is growing up
Yeah, I'm guessing this is growing up

Dudu du, dudu du, oh oh

And my mom hates my guts
She has every reason to
For all the things I do
And it breaks me just to know
That I have torn her apart
So many times, so many times

Cause I've overcommitted myself
I guess this is growing up
I'm sleeping so little these days
I guess this is growing up
I'm feeling things are about to change
I'm guessing this is growing up
Yeah, I'm guessing this is growing up

I don't wanna change
(I don't wanna change)
I wanna stay
(I wanna stay)
Right where I lay
Eyes closed, head down on the pillow
Better change, before it's too late
I'm guessing this is growing up

Now I'm done with my coffee break
I turn on my phone, now that I've grown up


Coffee Break by Forever The Sickest Kids.

Younglife...

In case you don't know tomorrow is a big day for me,they even published it in the newspaper reminding everyone concerned to this huge event.It's called election,but wait,it's not just any election.I'm supposed to head down to the Indonesian embassy to vote for the new president and I am not stoked one bit.It feels weird because I have absolutely no clue on Indonesian politics,not like I would even like to get involved in the first place,and best thing is,I don't know who belonged to which party.Of course I do know who are involved and the name of a few of the parties but that's as far as it goes really.I'm not even sure how much of a difference a vote from me will do especially since most of them will probably have nothing to do with anyway even though I am an Indonesian national.I will only be concerned if say a radical rule is made to force all citizens to not be allowed to stay overseas,I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will never happen.

On a more important note though,I still can't quite grasp the fact that I'm 18.Being legal means you can party and drink all I want without a care in the world because I'm deemed mature enough to know the consequences.Well,ok that's reasonable enough but I find it scary to be 18.It seems that for some reason,I have a pile of new responsibilities to be carried out like taking the example above,I have the right to vote no matter how insignifant it may be.Suddenly I have the right to learn driving and owning a car seems more of a big deal than a lot of other kid-dish things.It's not that I'm not interested but even if I have a driver's license,I probably don't have the cash to afford a car and the expenses of living in such a developed country is not making things any easier.There's no actual need to get a car since public transportation in Singapore is so well-maintained.To everyone who's complaining about being treated like a canned sardine,you have yet to experience the ultimate horrors of Indonesia.Sure,it may not be as packed but it's so unsafe that the moment you enter,you can never trust anyone around you no matter how innocent one looks.Be thankful for the aircon you enjoy on buses and trains.And lastly,I feel a whole lot closer to looking at a wrinkly,fragile old man the next time I look at myself in the mirror.

Maybe I am afraid of added responsibilities since society expects a lot of each individual but never really shows it until someone has crossed the line.By then it'll be too late for redemption.When we are younger,we tend to get away with things more because of our undeveloped ability to think.I'm sure all of us did countless stupid things back in the days and I admit that most of the memorable ones were indeed embarassing.At that time,it probably felt right.Again what's right to me then,is probably not right to everyone else or even myself when I think about it now but hey,that's how people learn right?For some reason,I can't seem to remember a lot about my childhood especially the times when I was still living in Indonesia.But from what I was told,it seemed more colourful than how I'm leading my life now.Supposedly,I took part and won many competitions back in my kindergarten days and am supposedly above the average academically.All of which,I'm having none of today and it's funny to see what I've become now.I probably turned out ok but perhaps,not deemed good enough when compared to my 'potential' then.

It's good to be young because everything is all fun and games until you grow up fearing for the future.See what negative implications knowledge has?We have to outweigh the good and the bad when all we thought of were the benefits,usually for ourselves back in the days.It was ok to look chubby because we look cute and adorable but as we started wearing uniforms,we get labelled 'fatso' amongst many other weight jokes in school.There was no such thing as different races because we are all kids and all we wanted to do was play and enjoy ourselves.Now,we make remarks about people of different races though most of us won't admit that we're closet racists.The world used to be free and easy,it was perfect.Just like the fairytales we used to worship.Now all we see is the world in war and chaos,no thanks to getting in touch with the world through newspapers.When we buy and borrow storybooks,it's different because we now know that these reading materials are categorised as 'Fiction'.

Funny how people always asked us what we wanted to be when we grow up with that little knowledge we have when we are younger?You can say that as we grow older,we are more selective of what we want to be.Again knowledge played a part in all this.Asking that same question now gets me all worried about the future because of the expectations or the kind of remarks I would get from people.Besides,I don't even know what I want to do.It gets me all serious and tense especially when someone keep wanting about my future plans.I for one,will prefer if someone were to ask how I was like when I was younger.The first reaction I would get will be to smile and laugh as the images come to mind.For all the stupid things we do,I'm sure most of us will agree that it gives out a more joyous and positive vibe than thinking about the future.At least for me it is.And for all the doom and gloom in the world,it's not that hard to find a certain sense of happiness.Indeed,it is in ourselves.I'm not so sure how happy I will feel when I stare at the wrinkly,fragile image of myself in the mirror but at least for now,I am happy at what I am seeing.


Younglife...


Hey brother, do you remember when
We used to play outdoors
Til the light was absorbed by the night?
Hey brother, it was an innocent time
We used to laugh til we cry
We're still boys on the inside
(I want to do it again)

The first time staying out all night
The last time that we got away with lies
I can hear it in the back of my minds
Over and over again
(I want to do it again)

Late night in early lives
Never thought it would come to a goodbye
I replay it in the back of my minds
Over and over again
(I want to do it again)

Lalala la, lalala lala
Lalala la la
(I want to do it again)

Hey lover, do you remember when
We would dance in your apartment
Til neighbors would knock on your door?
And I remember, do you remember when
We had no money to speak of
Nowhere else to eat but your floor
(I want to do it again)

The first time staying out all night
The last time you look me in the eyes
I can see them in the back of my mind
Over and over again
(I want to do it again)

Late nights, all entwined
Made a promise to never say goodbye
I replay them in the back of my mind
Over and over again

Are those days gone forever?
Wonder if we're going to ever
See all our young life friends that we made again
Have we all lost connection?
The life pulls in all direction
Memories bring us back to where we've been

(I want to do it again)

The first time staying out all night
The last time that we got away with lies
We can hear it in the back of our minds
Over and over again
(I want to do it again)

Late nights and early lights
Never thought it would come to a goodbye
We replay it in the back of our minds
Over and over and over
(I want to do it again)

Lalala la, lalala lala
Lalala la la
(I want to do it again)

Lalala la, lalala lala
Lalala la la
(I want to do it again)

Lalala la, lalala lala
Lalala la la
(I want to do it again)

Lalala la, lalala lala
Lalala la la
(I want to hear you again)

Lalala la...


Younglife by Anberlin.

What Is Love...

It's not even mid-life yet but I think I'm facing a crisis.And it's something that's almost entirely against my nature and my ultimate belief.It's eating me up and ripping me apart piece by piece.Truth is,I've grown skeptical of love.It's not so much the media's fault in falsely portraying how love should be defined,rather it's just me being my stupid self and always thinking too much.The countless 'what ifs' that comes with each step made.I'm scared of everything that comes along with love.The hooking up, the rejection,the break up and even being in love itself.I used to think that love is the answer to life itself but now I find myself doubting it.

So what if I'm in love?So what if I'm with someone I love?So what?

Is it just for the fuzzy feeling you get when you're with your loved one?Is it just for the warmth of holding hands with your loved one?Is it just for the hugs and kisses reserved solely for you?Is it just for the calming effect of knowing that someone has your back in times of troubles?Is it just for the joy you feel knowing that you will always have the special attention of your loved one?Is it just for the desire to fill your otherwise empty feeling?Is it just to quench the worry that you are not 'marketable' enough?Is it just for the medicine to numb your fear of dying alone?

Well,if you're looking for the answer then I'm very sorry to disappoint you because I don't have the answer.I'm still looking for it,constantly but for now I'm taking a break.I'm going to let love find me instead,if it ever will.It wouldn't take very long though for me to grow impatient and start taking matters into my own hands but we'll see how it goes.It seems that 'so what?' goes very well with 'what if' in my dictionary.


So just what is love?


Crazy, maybe?
If I fall asleep someday

And I never want to be the one to fall
To make you fall away
But you keep on pressuring me, pressuring me
And bring me down
But I don't know when to stop

What is love, what is love
She's been searching for rainbows
What is love
I go wherever the wind blows
What is love
Someone I can talk to every night
Someone I can talk to every night

The city, party
Taxi, I'm leaving

And I never want to be the one to fall
To make you fall away
But you keep on pressuring me, pressuring me
And bring me down
But I don't know when to stop

What is love, what is love
She's been searching for rainbows
What is love
I go wherever the wind blows
What is love
Someone I can talk to every night
Someone I can talk to every night

Do you feel me love?
Would you feel me love?
If the pressure makes us dissolve
Do you feel me love?
Would you feel me love?
If the pressure makes us dissolve

Because it's you, you, you
You fit me perfectly
It's always me, me, me
Cast into the sea
If we can see this through
In perfect summary
It was love

What is love, what is love
She's been searching for rainbows
What is love
I go wherever the wind blows
What is love
Someone I can talk to every night
Someone I can talk to every night

What is love, what is love
She's been searching for rainbows
What is love
I go wherever the wind blows
What is love
Someone I can talk to every night
Someone I can talk to every night
Someone I can talk to every night
Someone I can talk to every night
What is love


What Is Love by Rookie Of The Year.