Who I Am Hates Who I've Been...

Ok so I haven't been updating since last week.It's been one hell of a rigorous week for me,there's tonnes of stuff to do but I simply can't find the time to do it.I just wish that a day is more than 24 hours,it's way too short.So I've been coming home early the past few days to get myself ready for tomorrow.I even went to Swee Lee with Paul to get his new guitar.It's an Epiphone Les Paul Bullseye,it looks quite sexy but it's still not my kind of thing.I prefer solid colours and I'm eyeing two guitars now.Or rather,I'll have to pick one out of the two when I'm good enough to upgrade my guitar.It's an Epiphone Les Paul Goth edition or well,a PRS Billy Martin.I really can't decide,in terms of looks,both are killers.Carbon black,my favourite.I wish I have stash of cash hidden somewhere,I will really get both.Or if I make it big in the future,these two will be framed on my walls,no doubt about it.

So school's been alright I guess,it's pretty merciful to me.Considering I escaped sitting on the floor for a whole hour by an inch.And the fect that Nicholas got suspended,courtesy of Mrs Yeow.Homeworks will keep on piling as each day comes.And the capital O is in three months time,more or less.Of course I'm scared,just that I don't normally show it.My class is pretty divided now with everyone taking sides and all.And everyone has to keep on their toes for some juicy news coming around anytime of the day.It's been like that,I'm too used to it anyway and I can't be bothered.I've got more important things to do than to listen to each other's sympathy tales and all their ways and means of creating a scene.Much ado about nothing really.And that's a fact.

People change over time,some for the better.While others just got worse.It's no use making empty promises saying you'll change when you're certainly not.Especially when you try to outsmart the other by putting on a mask in front of them,little did they know that those mask doesn't really change the people's opinion about you.There are things which people do in the spur of the moment and there are things which you process in your head before actually saying it out.So don't go around spouting some meaningless words which in the end,will get back to you someday.I hate it when people tries to win others over by being extremely nice to that particular person.It's never been my style and I'm proud of it.I'm making it a life principle to never try being one and I must say it's so far so good.Intentions that benefit for only yourself is egoistic and a sign that you're getting too big for your own shoes.Look at the world,see those lives that you could change?It'll be better to start anew now than to just look at the past and mourning and dwelling about your regrets but in the end,you're not doing anything to help make the future brighter.You can't change the past,but you can change the future my changing the present.

I realised my mind was so messed up a long time ago.I don't really know what's gotten into me,really.I guess there will always be a darker side to everyone but for now,I'm just hoping what I'm going through now isn't going to lead me back to the same path I was before.I'm my own worst enemy.Emotions getting the better of me,wild thoughts among many others.Let's wrap it all up by saying that who I am hates who I've been...


I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics

Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should have crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should have said that
It's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

I talk to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up

And I heard the reverberating footsteps
Sinking up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And I can't let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it’s ever been
This is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should have crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should have said that
It's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back

Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should have crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should have said that
It's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am won't take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been
Cause who I've been only ever made me

So sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been...


Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K.

Different...

So this weekend is starting to feel a little less fun,a little more business.Anyway,let's start with friday.It was racial harmony day celebrations for our school but it wasn't much of a celebration really.We had lessons as usual until 1130 and we had the next hour to basically go on a tour around the classes that's putting up some exhibition from the different racial group.I must admit,it was probably the most boring racial harmony celebration that I ever had in my life but at least we had two periods less this time.Took a couple of photos but not as much as last year,flashes everywhere back then like some kind of shooting spree.Had a small discussion with Elliot last night along with Peter about some stuff.Had absolutely no objection to it but I think I'm going to need lots of practice since I'm not used to it just yet.Apparently my fingers are weak so I'm going to either make sure I can do it by then,or go for Plan B.We'll see how it goes.

Anyway,today is kind of terrible.I went straight home after mass and had dinner before heading for the study room to well,study.My mom and my bro were talking about some stuff,it sounded like a battle of words.It's not really a scolding or whatever,it's more like the different opinions and views from both parties.And the whole time I was studying until I was so stressed out and my eyes are getting really heavy that I stopped and went online to see if Elliot's online to continue the conversation.Sadly he wasn't and so I began my usual ritual whenever I use the computer.Messenger,blog-hopping and all that.Then my mom came up and as usual,blow her head off.I was pissed,obviously because I've been working my butts off the whole time and she always chooses to enter the room whenever I'm done and about to pass out if I didn't stop.Well,it turned out pretty ugly but who cares,it's never been pretty anyway.

Some facts about myself,I discovered this just last week when my mom's mood wasn't on red alert.We were talking over dinner and we talked about me,or rather my early days.My mom told me when she was still carrying me in the womb,I nearly didn't make it.I was only 3 months old and she said she had a lot of problems eating.She kept vomiting out whatever she consumed and thus she told me I wasn't growing.I was basically the size of a 2 month old when I was supposed to be 3 months old and so the doctor had to infuse my mom with glucose.The ultimatum was,if I didn't grow within a certain period of time,I'll be removed which means I'll be taken out and presumed dead.And there was also the risk of me being deformed and stuff like that.Luckily I was born normal,or rather I assume I am since noone likes to call themselves disabled.

Enough of the history talks,now I'm half-awake still with the gutted feeling in my heart that my mom is so unreasonable.I guess that's life,we can't have everything.There's always something lacking in our lives,may it be good or bad.I accept my flaws,it's something I know I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.But sometimes,you just knew that you could have done something better towards a situation.Sometimes you just wished you would have done things differently.The wish that you could turn back the time and hope we're in a film which can be rewinded and played over and over again.Making decisions has always been exceptionally hard for me.I can never tell when the right moment passes,and when I did,it's always too late.It's not something that I can learn,it's more like lady luck has been frowning on me for a very long time.Especially in certain aspects of my life.When you needed it the most,it lets you down.

I want a skeleton key necklace just like Billy Martin's.I saw it at Topshop once but it's pink and green on the other side of the brass colour.So not cool,if there's one that's all brass colour please tell me?And the brass knuckle necklace too, alá Joel Madden.Good stuff,anyway I got Funeral For A Friend's Hours.It's good,History to me stands out way above the rest by milestones.And I'll be getting 30 Seconds To Mars and Yellowcard's new album on Monday,I can't wait.Good stuff I tell you.


Sometimes,you just wish you were someone else.You just get jealous over how things always seem to go the other persons way that you rather wish existence away.It will be easier then,your family has one less person to feed.Your friends will have a better time without you slowing them down.The world will still turn the same way.Sometimes,you just wish that things turned out differently.Sadly,there's no turning back on the mistakes you've made.You can never change the past,but you can change the present to change your future.What's my point then,you ask?I'm just saying that though we always wanted to a lead different life,you can't.Instead,change the world by being who you are since everyone's unique in their own way.Like the now famous line,quote,you laugh at me because I'm different,I laugh at you because you're all the same,unquote...

Tell myself
On the ride home
Getting tired
Hating all I've known
Holding on
Like it's all I have
Count me out
When it's clear that
I find it hard to say
And you find it hard to care

I wanted to see something that's different
Something you said would change in me
I wanted to be anything different
Everything you would change in me

I've got this way
Up front but never true
God, I'm wrong
It's just the way I am
Crashing down
Any chance you'll hear
Caving in
Any chance that you
Can see inside of me
And I, I'll know what to say
It's fine
This isn't Hollywood
So fine
Getting in your way

I wanted to see something that's different
Something you said would change in me
I wanted to be anything different
Everything you would change in me

I'm taking a chance
This could be different
This could be all I'm waiting for
Taking a chance
This could be different
This could be all I'm waiting for

I wanted to see something that's different
(something that's different)
Something you said would change in me
I wanted to be anything different
(something that's different)
Everything you would change in me

Something that's different
Something that's different...


Different by Acceptance.

Journey's End...

Why is it that when things go bad,it always comes with string attached?There's always a series of bad things that happens either simultaneously or one at a time.And the results is always the same,it gets worse each time something happened.I can seriously tell you it's either just karma or it's really just not my day,week,month or even year,depending on how long the period lasts.Yesterday was supposed to be the day of the month that I look forward to.And what did I do?I was an insensitive,idiotic jerk.That's what you get when you are get too emotional for your own good.I hate it when emotions control over me and I lost all my sanity but now that yesterday's gone,I can't turn back.What I have written,I have written and therefore anything I say after that will not have as much effect as when I did previously.There's really no use crying over spilt milk now and apologising can only do so much.

And today,I was feeling all mixed up the moment I get up in the morning.I was distracted by too many things and that shows.It was coincidentally the teacher's day audition whereby the teachers-in-charge made it a point that for the graduating batch,we need to have decent results in order to perform but what the heck,we tried to bypass it anyway.So we started out with dance,dance.And things started going downhill again,from there.We somehow lost the rhythm of the song as Asyraf started to slow down and I was trying to accommodate him by playing slower too.And then,we just lost it all and it went all haywire.Next was face down,it was slightly better
but of course,it wasn't up to standard I guess.It was quite a shame because our friends came over to watch us and we ended up playing pretty bad.We asked the teacher for one more try and just when I thought that we have finally muster our confidence,me and Eugene had a horrid time because our guitar is plugged into the school system and there wasn't anyone from the PA crew to help us adjust the volumes and all that.So we played face down again,this time it was better but we practically played without the guitar which is really damn pathetic.Like as though my day could not get any worse.I can tell you honestly that jamming sessions with these guys are really fun so we'll see how it goes in the future.

So I'll give credits where it's due and thank Asyraf,for having the guts to sing no matter what the catcalls the people make.Irwan for being such a good friend and bassist,not forgetting the jokes before the jamming sessions.Farith,you're one hell of a drummer and it'll be such a waste if you don't get to play on stage.And Eugene,guess we'll have to see what happens next for us yeah?To those that know and supported us in a way or another,thanks guys for the support.It will need the sun to rise from the West and sunset at the East for us to perform but if we really do get in,I'm sure we'll prepare ourselves for it.


Is this really the end to everything I've hoped and longed for?Is it really the end of me?This can't be my journey's end...



Are we really out of time?
Is there nothing we can try?
If I say what's in my heart
Do you promise not to cry?
Did you know how much it takes?
Will this be my last mistake?
Not to tell you how I'm scared
Then to watch you as
You're slipping away
Will you know how much
I love you?
Will you know how much
I care for you?

This can't be the way it ends

Stay
Don't let this moment break
Just let me touch your face
I wish that I had found the words
To tell you how I feel
Cause every time you breathe
You'll take my breath away
And now I know
No matter where the road may go
You'll always be the sun
Did you know?
Did you know?

Can my love drown out this fear?
Will time dry out these tears?
If I whisper how I feel
Will you hear what's in my head?
How I hung on every move
How I treasured every touch
How I can't believe you felt the same
How I can't believe we're out of time
Did you know you were my reason?
Did you know that it was
Always you?

This can't be the way it ends
This can't be your journey's end...

Stay
Don't let this moment break
Just let me touch your face
I wish that I had found the words
To tell you how I feel
Cause every time you breathe
You'll take my breath away
And now I know
No matter where the road may go
You'll always be the sun
Did you know?
Oh(Did you know?)
Did you know?

Stay
Don't let this moment break
Just let me touch your face
I wish that I had found the words
To tell you how I feel
Cause every time you breathe
You'll take my breath away
And now I know
No matter where the road may go
You'll always be the sun
Did you know? (Did you know?)
Did you know? (Did you know?)
Did you know?
Oh,I will know

If we had just one more day
Could I say what's not been said?
Could I tell you all you mean to me?
All that's burning in my head

This can't be the way it ends
This can't be your journey's end...


Journey's End by Darius.

Should I Stay...

Don't wait for something that you don't really want.That's what the response to me is,I'm assuming.And I haven't got the slightest clue to what reaction am I supposed to give.Should I give up now just like that?Or should I continue this chase and wound up in a worse state than I already end?Should I give up now and realised that I could've succeeded,wouldn't that be the regret of my life?Would this be a happy ending?I have a strange feeling it's going to get ugly,but you know what?I'm going for it anyway,I'll rather be stupid and follow my heart than to be smart and follow my brain.Fragile moments of my life,I hope something could keep me going in life again.But the burning question remains,should I stay or should I go?

Had a drive
Driven by your love
But when you messed around
I lost the drive I found

Thought you needed
Needed someone true
But you changed your mind
Or had I failed you?

Wish you'd been
Careful with my heart
But you tore it apart
And broke an angel's heart

The kiss was true
Has to end somehow
But I am living proof of what love is about

It's hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It's sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I don't know (I don't know)
I gotta know
Should I stay or should I go?

You played me on
Played me like a clown
But I feel for you
Even though I’m down

My heart is heavy
Heavy like a rock
But I am so amused
You're still in my thoughts

It's hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It's sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I don't know (I don't know)
I gotta know
Should I stay or should I go?

Oh
Should I stay? (Should I stay?)
Should I go? (Should I go?)

It's hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It's sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I don't know (I don't know)
I wanna know
Should I stay or should I?

This time its done
It'll never feel the same
But we had some good times
Guess it's sad just the same

I guess the truth
Doesn't matter somehow
But you were living proof of what love is about…

Should I Stay by Dreamz FM.

The Promise...

So it's been roughly a week since I last posted.Been busy every weekday with all kinds of new events coming our way.And I think I had quite a produtctive week.Had a lot of fun along with many setbacks and non-stop work.The result,fatigue for the weekend.I swear I nearly dozed off during mass today.Let's have a little week-in review shall we.

Monday,started out like any other Monday.Time ticks ever so slowly as the thoughts of having another week of school trickles in.And what do I do to kill time?The usual,I take out my handbook and starts doodling.It has reached the third page worth of vandals and I'm currently a quarter on my fourth.Exluding all my songs that I wrote,so yeah it's probably one of my sacred places where all my deepest thoughts lies.And some scribbles here and there about some unforgetable moments that happened this year.So me,Irwan and Farith went to an unknown place to jam.So we kind of became Muse and I wasn't prepared because it was a sudden decision and of course,I can smell a hole in my wallet.

Tuesday,was a killer day.It was perhaps a boring day other than the P.E part where we played soccer with a full-length field.It was tiring like hell but it was fun.Firstly because I scored from way outside the penalty box for the first time in my short career in soccer and it hit the underside of the bar before crossing over the line.It was a beauty,and I'm biased.Then Nevin equalised before Asyraf stole what was supposed to be Danial's goal.And he still has got the cheek to tell us that Danial's shot was going out and that his goal was a nice goal.Considering he tapped the ball right at the goal-line.I can't remember what else happened but all I know is that the match ended at 3-3.

Wednesday,nothing much really happened since I went back pretty early.All I can remember is that on that day,I was getting the mood to write another song which I wasn't able to do since I was busy with homework.I was only brushing with the idea and until today,I've been brainstorming on how it's going to sound like and the content of it.Of course,there's still nothing on paper just yet but I'm getting close to it.

Thursday,this was a good day.We waited for half an hour for Bella Luna to open and found out that they're moving the very next day.What a waste,really because I was starting to absorb the atmosphere that was in the place.And we got ourselves a temporary name,The Saints And The Sinners.We'll be auditioning for teacher's day and what we're going to play will be a surprise.So just sit tight and keep a look out for us hitting the school hall real soon,hopefully.And the line-up for the band is kind of funny so I shall wait until the audition results before making a statement.Anyway,some of the people already know anyway so it's best that the news spread like bonfires rather than spelling it out and spoiling all the fun.

Friday,went back early to get my guitar re-stringed.I headed for Ebenex and I must say they've got a decent place just that the goods are starting to get a tad overpriced somehow.I'm not sure if I'm going to like going there again like I used to but I'm sure I will.And I'm trying to figure out a way on how we're going to get enough money to get ourselves two overdrive effects in case we're performing for teacher's day since the school sound system is pathetic.Got myself United too,I love the pictures of the players lifting the premiership trophy and I can't wait to see them playing next season after a good summer signings of Nani,Anderson,Hargreaves and possibly Teves.That just sums up everything.

Anyway,I got Mae's Destination: Beautiful.It's a decent cd just that I can sense the lack of maturity that's found in their second album but overall it's a good buy.Still plenty more to buy though there's 30 Seconds To Mars,been getting really hooked onto their music.The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus too.The Click Five,I've been trying to find it and if all else fails I'll have to head down to Hmv and order it.Lifehouse's album hasn't hit the stores too the last time I checked.Been listening to a lot of Funeral For A Friend recently.Their songs from Hours,Tales Don't Tell Themselves and Casually Dressed And Deep In Conversations.I'm starting to be a fan of them.


So I'm holding on to what I've said a long time ago.And I know it's hard to be like how we used to.I guess that was the pinnacle of our moment and I'm saddened to see it fade away just like that.I've made up my mind and I'm going through hell just to stay true to my words because that's just the way I am.People will tell me I'm stupid or whatever but who are they to tell me what I should do in my life.I'm doing what I feel is the right decision and though sometimes there's ought to be uncertainty,I'm winning the battle to overcome them.And I'm hoping that we can rekindle the flame that once burned.I promise that I'll wait forever...


If you need a friend
Don't look to a stranger
You know in the end
I'll always be there

And when you're in doubt
And when you're in danger
Take a look all around
And I'll be there

I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say (I promise you)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be (I promise you)
But if you'll wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me
I promise
I promise you I will

When your day is through
And so is your temper
You know what to do
I'm gonna always be there

Sometimes if I shout
It's not what's intended
These words just come out
With no gripe to bear

I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say (I promise you)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be (I promise you)
But if you'll wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me
I promise
I promise you
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say (I promise you)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be (I promise you)
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me
I promise
I promise you I will

I gotta tell ya
I need to tell ya
I gotta tell ya
I gotta tell ya

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say (I promise you)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be (I promise you)
But if you'll wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me (I promise you)
I promise
I promise you
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say (I promise you)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be (I promise you)
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me (I promise you)
I promise
I promise you I will
I will
I will...


The Promise by Anberlin.Originally by When In Rome.

Save Me...

I must say that this week has been one that's filled with questions that's left unanswered.There's simply too many things going on at the same time that for the first time in a long while,I feel fragile again.Everyday I woke up with a piece of me missing and in my thoughts there's only emptiness.Little did I realise that in less than a day,I could lose it all.Everything that I once thought I have.Life's been fair,in the sense that if you lose something along the way,you'll find something else at the end of it.But what you lost may never be replaced again depending on how big the impact is to you.The bigger the shoes that was left behind,the bigger the load that something new has to fill in the gaps.I'm scared of becoming who I used to be,someone that always seems so cold.Someone so heartless and emotionless,but that's really the path I'm going whether I like it or not.It's just something uncontrollable and I'm trying my best to stay as the person I am now.I've learned so much from the people I've never expected to be able to teach me through their actions and reactions,with or without them knowing about it.

I don't really care how much people hate me for being one that's not afraid to speak up anymore when I feel the need to because somewhere along the line,there will always be people who will accept me for who I am no matter what.These are the people who's been through a lot of hell with me.The sacrifices we made for one another through the hard times and sharing the good times unlike some people that are only there when they needed help from you or just wanting to have a good time.I'm not going to spell out the names but you guys know who you are,especially this year since I've only started to see things in a different light earlier in the year.These are the people I can count on anytime.They are people that never fails to keep me smiling through the bad times.And I don't want to lose them in a blink of an eye.It's sad isn't it that it takes so long to build something up,may it be friendship,relationship or whatsoever,and it only takes a fraction of a second to destroy everything.Use buildings for example,it takes years and years to complete the building after laying brick by brick and it only takes a dynamite to tear it all down in milliseconds.Metaphorically,this applies to how our life works.And the worst part is when you know it could easily have been avoided or that it just keeps playing over and over again in your head as if it's poking fun at you.

I don't know why or how I'm always feeling all emotionless all of a sudden.It's just that I seldom know how I can make myself feel better.And it's not like it fades away as time goes by,it's more like as though it accumulates and multiplies instead.When I was looking through my student handbook,I chanced upon a proverb.
"When one door closes,another opens.But often we look so long,so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has been opened to us." Alexander Graham Bell.
Somehow,it just appeared at the moment in front of my eyes when I needed it the most.


I don't know anything anymore.I don't know what to feel.I don't know what I should do.I just don't know.All I can request for now is to finish off whatever I've started and that means to see your face for one last time,that's all I ask from you.Whatever happens after that,I don't know but I just want to makw the best of what's left of me.Save me from this madness,save me from this sinking feeling...


Is there in any love in your heart?
Is there any blood in your veins?
If there any feeling in you
To give away?
The ground beneath my feet is on wheels
I wander if you know how that feels
Baby where are my nerves of steel
When I need them?

Save me from this madness baby
Save me from the shame
Save me from this feeling baby
Wipe these damn tears away

I got my bones beneath my skin
That easily break
I got feelings that I
Just can't escape
I got dreams that mostly
Keep me awake

Save me from this madness baby
Save me from the shame
Save me from this feeling baby
Wipe these damn tears away

You've got my soul in your solar system
But you keep my heart out of hand
As if I'm only human
As if I never missed you
As if I never should

Save me from this madness baby
Save me from the shame
Save me from this feeling baby
Wipe these damn tears away
Save me from this feeling baby
Wipe these damn tears away...


Save Me by Darius.

Your Guardian Angel...

Been spending yesterday with my family after tuition and went Funan to get a new computer monitor.We had Thai for dinner and kind of have a family talk that I've been missing for a long long while.And the topic of the day was my bro going to Bintan again on his own account and his life in doing social services.Let's just say it went alright,considering the fatc that my dad was supportive in his own right and I was just there giving neutral point of views like I normally do.Went back home after that and spent the whole night fixing it up and transferring the files from the old computer,now with the new monitor to the newer computer especially my songs.It's quite a handful.

And today,I'm stuck at home like again.I just hate to not have anything to do that's enjoyable.I know major exams are coming but there's really no motivation to do what I'm supposed to.I know I should continue dating my books or else I just wasted the June holidays studying for nothing.It's just became such a drag when parents just don't understand how much you've actually worked for and kept asking you study.It just loses its kick in the process.We're living in a different generation so don't bother saying "During my time,I did this and this and this and yet I still study".It's a matter of how you prioritise certain things,including studying which I have to honestly say isn't in the top few of my priority list.I love my social life,I have great friends around me and I'm not having the freedom to spend time with them in person.So I look for the next best option,internet.The option of having our own window in messenger talking about anything under the sun and stars.And you're taking it away from me too.What next?Soon enough I'll be deprived of my social life.

They think I care for my friends more than my family.That's so wrong,I've never felt that way.But when you've got a family that don't see the way you do,it's just hard.It's not like I take up bad habits like smoking or whatever.I know I don't mix around with all the people that are good influences but I know what's good for me too.I'm not some kid to be pushed and shoved around like I've got no brains.I won't do everything what they do,trust me I know many people in my school who are smoking at this age.And though I hang out with some of them,I know they're not the type who goes around asking whether I want to try.Besides,they know that I won't even try.And I still am not going to,there's no temptation whatsoever.My parents are having the wrong perceptions on certain things and I've got to live with it.It's not like I have an option anyway,I'm forced to.It's hard to carve out my own identity when people are trying to make it out for me.They are assuming I'm this and this and so that's what they thought of me.

Which brings me to the next topic,I don't know what's with people calling one another 'poser' or whatever nonsense.I've thought about mentioning this over the past few weeks but I've never felt more sure than to write it today since I don't care anymore about what other people think.I'm not a midget to be controlled by them and why should I fear them anyway.Anyway,these people who calls other people 'poser' should look at themselves in the mirror before talking about others.What makes one a 'poser'?Just because he wears a certain line of clothing?Just because he listens to certain kind of music?Just because he's trying out new stuff and you assume he's copying you?Get a life man seriously.Everyone in the world has got their own influences and there's nothing wrong with that.So if you're telling me that those who listens to bands and artists that aren't indie are 'posers' then you're a really shallow person.People can listen to whatever music they want,it doesn't have to be only narrowed to a single genre or whatever.

When someone asked how come I listen to bands that are indie since they thought I listen to those sell-out artistes I feel really insulted.It's like as though I committed a sin just by listening to something that I like.I can listen to whatever I want and I have my likes and dislikes so if you're telling me that I'm trying to be someone I'm not then you must be kidding.If I buy their music,it's because I like their songs or at least one song and not because I'm listening to them because you listen to them first.What kind of mentality is that anyway?Unlike some people,I don't come in a family that are musically-talented so if I'm taking something up because I want to,why must you criticise it?My parents are the traditional type so I have to be absolutely certain on something before I make certain decisions including a guitar more than a year ago.I mean,how would my parents know my love for music if I don't tell them.Which is why I don't take lessons when I was at a young age,I don't even know I love music that much until probably 2-3 years ago.That's when I decided that I want to do something with it.

Do you gain some kind of achievement when you criticise someone?You never know how insulting something is until the person tell you in the face.So when you go around saying I'm not good enough then I'm not going to stop you.The next time youre going to ask me anything,my response will be "I'm not SKILL-ED enough".One day,you will lose it all.And when you come crawling for help from people you call friends,they're not going to be there to help you because you left them with so many bad impressions.That's when you're going to realise that these people are just putting with all your nonsense and your insults which you assume are not going to affect them.All I can say is every individual is unique so it's up to us to lead our lives they want we deem right and if you want to call us 'posers' for doing something to similar to another person then it's your loss.Just so you know that similar and same is different,in meaning and whatever way you look at them.If your definition of 'poser' is someone who like certain things similar to other people that it's really stupidity on your part.I have never believed in 'poser-ism' that someone copies whatever other people does,there's always going to some differences no matter what.So please,stop calling people 'posers' because you're actually one yourself,just that you don't believe that you are.If you start calling someone a 'poser' that you can call everyone in the world 'posers'.

Enough said,I'm getting bored of taking a dig at people who call other people 'posers'.Bunch of people with no life.Got Funeral For A Friend's Tales Don't Tell Themselves from Eugene,really cool album.Bonus points for not screaming in any of the songs.Sorry,I just have something against screamings.I look out for songs with meanings rather than just some idiots jumping around,head-banging to music that you don't understand.That's just me and I don't label these people who does 'posers' so that's a way of praising myself.Anyway,the album has got this inter-connecting feel.Every song seems to just flow real nicely and yeah,definitely something worth buying for my kind of music tastes.I'm planning to get Lifehouse and The Click Five's new albums soon.



Had a long overdued talk yesterday and though I missed the times when we called each other names,I have to learn t live with the new one.Tomorrow is a special day too,for both you and me.Because if it wasn't for whatever happened 16 years ago,I wouldn't have known someone like you and I appreciate your presence.Three cheers for that.And not forgetting how much changes you bring to my life,for the better of course.I guess you know about this better than anyone else,other than myself.I'll pray for you when the clock strikes twelve times.All I can wish for is for me to be your guardian angel just like you are one to me...


When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay
It's okay
It's okay

Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my
You're my, my
My true love
My whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay woah, stay woah

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
I will never let you fall...


Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.